Sunday, March 23, 2014

About a Dalek

Well, in part anyway.  I was looking at my blog stats the other day and noticed a search for keywords "how to knit dalek hat for baby."  Which, quite frankly, sounds like something I would search for if I weren't, you know, designing said hats.  I took that as a sign to quit limping along with my lopsided cardigan and polish up my hat pattern and get on with it.  So with that in mind, enjoy the slightly prickly fruits of my labor.

Dalek Hat

Materials:
approximately worsted weight yarn, roughly 200 yards or 1 skein apiece main color (tan) and contrasting color (brown), small amount black and blue yarn (waste yarn will do) for eyestalk

Abbreviations:
mc = main color
cc = contrast color
k2tog = knit 2 together
ssk = slip slip knit
p2tog = purl 2 together
m1 = make 1: increase 1 by picking up stitch from previous row and knitting that stitch
kfb = knit front and back: increase by knitting into front and back of stitch without dropping from left needle

Body:
Cast on 60 sts in main color, join and start working in round.
Rounds 1-4: (k2, p2) to end—forms 2x2 rib.
Round 5: knit
Round 6: purl
Round 7: knit
Round 8: p1 mc, (k8 cc, p2 mc) to last 9 sts, k8 cc, p1 mc
Round 9: k1 mc, (k8 cc, k2 mc) to last 9 sts, k8 cc, k1 mc
Round 10: Repeat round 8.
Rounds 11-13: Repeat rounds 5-7.
Repeat rounds 8-13 twice more.

Continue hat crown in main color:
Rounds 1-4: knit.
Round 5: k21, p2, k4, p2, k to end of round.
Round 6: knit.
Rounds 7-12: repeat rounds 5-6 three times.
Round 13: (k8, ssk) twice, k1, p2, k4, p2tog, (k8, ssk) to end. 54 sts.
Round 14: knit.
Round 15: (k2tog, k7) twice, p2tog, p7, (k2tog, k7) to end. 48 sts.
Round 16: k16, p8, k to end of round.
Round 17: (k6, ssk) to end of round. 42 sts.
Round 18: knit.
Round 19: (k2tog, k5) to end of round. 36 sts.
Round 20: k5, make long bobble, k17, make long bobble, k to end of round.
(long bobble: kfb twice into same stitch, turn, p resulting 4 sts, turn, k4, turn, p4, turn, sl first st, k2tog, pass slipped st over, k1, pass previous stitch over so that 1 st remains)
Round 21: (k4, ssk) to end of round. 30 sts.
Round 22: knit.
Round 23: (k2tog, k3) to end. 24 sts.
Round 24: (k2, ssk) to end. 18 sts.
Round 25: (k2tog, k1) to end. 12 sts.
Round 26: k2tog around. 6 sts.
Break yarn, draw through remaining sts.

Eyestalk:
Using main color, pick up and knit 14 sts in the round within garter bracket center front.
Knit 2 more rounds.
Change to black yarn. Knit 1 round.
Next round (let's call this round 1): m1, k7, m1, k7. 16 sts.
Round 2: (m1, k4) to end. 20 sts.
Rounds 3-4: knit.
Round 5: k2 tog around. 10 sts.

Lens (continuing from eyestalk stitches):
Row 1: using blue yarn, knit bottom 2 sts. Turn.
Row 2: pick up 1 held black st either side. Purl across (4 sts). Turn.
Row 3: pick up 1 held black st either side. Knit 1 black st together with 1st blue st. K2. Knit last blue st together with black st.
Row 4: repeat last row but with purl sts.
Row 5: for last 6 sts, k3tog twice with black stitches on inside of circle.

Finishing:
Weave in ends. Block if desired/depending on yarn.



Incidentally, if you're still reading after that roller coaster of a pattern (don't panic, it actually makes sense as you see it growing right before your eyes), I'm also making progress on green capelet.  Ooh, that sounds superhero-ish until you realize it's basically a petite lace shawl.  I've attached pictures now that I'm about 2-1/4 repeats through the 3-repeat lace pattern.  Also it was a chance for me to bust out the phone camera.  That's right, the phone camera.

See, I've got a story about that.  It started with a very post-call me slogging through a very long day of clinic and not realizing until about 6:00 when everybody was packing up for the day that my phone was no longer on the workbench where I'd left it in case of calls from the other office, the hospital, my boss/coworkers, my realtor, or anybody else I'm not allowed to put off if at all possible.  Also suspicious was the fact that it was off when we tried to call it.  I never turn my phone off.  Ever.  But, hey, this was also the week that culminated in Match Day and being able to bid this all goodbye and plop myself into the much more expensive to live in (but presumably less kleptomaniac) Big Apple come July.  Yes, I said less kleptomaniac.  Never, in all my days in St Louis, aka the "most dangerous city in the US," have I had more than an umbrella go missing (and likely through my own carelessness at that).   Here the tally is 1 ophthalmoscope, 1 prescription pad with attached wallet, 1 cellular phone.  Clearly somebody has a habit to support or nothing better to do or both.


Which meant I had to unyoke from the company plan a couple months early.  Eh, not to anger my Android-loving Apple-hating friends or anything, but I'd had some serious issues with my Samsung anyway.  Smartphone that functions  quite reasonably as a computer but makes me want to throw it at the wall every time I try to use it as a phone?  Check.  I admit it: I'm a bit smitten with my new iPhone.  Look at the pictures!  And we won't even go there on video quality.  This sort of speaks for itself.  And I had 2 back-to-back prolonged phone conversations Friday night, aka Match Night, without so much as an echo.  I have a phone again!  Hallelujah!


But enough with the gushing already and tell us about coming attractions (wait, is anyone still reading this?).  They should include...1) April mystery shawl KAL, 2) Die Zauberball/Papagena scarf which I hereby dub Project Mozart, 3) yellow yarn acquired during Beatles' anniversary yarn sale which wants to become Foreign Correspondent scarf from Ravelry, 4) Focus Pocus 2-at-a-time fingerless mitts (not an actual published pattern, mind, I just had leftover sock yarn and wanted to use it up), 5) if the Knit 'n Purl gang ever ask me to knit a display shawl out of Lorna's Laces I'm so in.  Is that all?  Better be unless I feel like quitting my day job and...not being able to afford the yarn.

On that note, it's off to the laces.  Ow.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

The Eve of St Pat

Actually I just really wanted to use that as a title.  Like Keats's "Eve of St Agnes."  Forgot to add in my last post (rant? brain-dump?) that my life dream is to make poetry as cool as the Doctor's bow-ties.  Which is not cool at all but so cool it doesn't matter.  Clear as mud?  Excellent.

Now, back to all the things I've accomplished on the Eve of St Pat, which is mostly what I came here for.  In no particularly order, they are...

1) Started on my taxes.  Whoo...oof.

2) Cleaned my bathroom and replaced the lightbulb in my ceiling fan without killing myself.

3) Made theme-appropriate stew.  After the corned beef fiasco of last year (still have the marks from the burns, thanks), I stuck with something I know well: bacon.  Cabbage, potatoes, onions, carrots, Guinness, and...bacon.  Also, I now know that stout is essentially the espresso of the beer world.  That's not entirely a bad thing.

4) Discovered I'm better at mousse than I am at souffle...even though (WTF???) it's essentially souffle without the trip to the oven.  On a side note, this was done on Pi(e) Day.  Oops.

 Pics or it didn't happen!
5) Finished Dalek  hat/cardigan, version 1.0.  Suspect it needs beta testing.  For one thing, the armholes are a bit...special and the sleeves extra-wide.  But I love the hat and will definitely make again.







Pity the child who has to wear this thing...if you can get it to fit an actual child.  Luckily, I will use Vincent as my backup/peace offering.  Nobody minds a sweet little teddy bear, right?  Right?

 6) Acquired yarn for April KAL.  I had to go into the store to look at colors 'cause a computer screen does not do them justice.  But the coral-colored yarn is drop-dead gorgeous.  And I expect to have time to knit a mystery shawl because...?
7) Cast on yet another lace shawl.  Because it's my thing (ask the Knit 'n Purl gang).  I believe the yarn is Jawool or some odd brand name like that, and it's gorgeous.  It wanted to be a shawl.
 Specifically, this shawl.  I guess more accurately "capelet," since the pattern is called the Rhea capelet, from the Spring 2013 edition of Creative Knitting.  Love the lace edging and will probably re-use at some point.  For instance when I rip out and re-design Cecilia sweater.
 8) Um...this is Crazy Zauberball.  It was calling my name yesterday when I bought my KAL yarn.  Today I went in to do a little concerted shawl-knitting, and it was still there.  Taunting.  Begging.  What can I say?
Now take this, look up the Papagena scarf on Ravelry, savor the Mozart joke, and tell me you're not in joint opera-knitting heaven.  I dare you.












9) Uploaded my anthem to YouTube.  You'll see right away why I call it my anthem.
http://youtu.be/wRaLFlegwsY

If you prefer, I do cover(s), though I'm really slow with them because a) I learn them by ear and b) I have essentially no music theory training.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RklV3lbfyqU

Or, old school me...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47HkDzznu1g

10) Wrote a poem.  Actually, that was the original reason for "The Eve of St Pat."  Sort-of-first draft, but what the hell.

The Eve of St Pat's

What I remember:
a broken iPod,
an Irish temper,
and the wrong lightbulbs,
thwarted attempts at housework
and repairs on a clock
chiming away the quarter-hours
of another Ides to beware
passed uneventfully, impatiently,
this wearied intransigent
of a bleary-eyed South.

What should've happened:
he was stopped roadside,
marooned fifteen miles
from the ocean, a choice:
obey the steel slipstream
or risk barreling holiday SUVs
for an improbability, phantom
forgotten sunlight, hair, eyes,
pressing lips, eloquent tongue,
Hell decked for today only
like a fool's gold Paradise.

What really happened:
closing at chapter-end
with another cheap sigh,
stout chaser, exchanged dream,
rainbow connector followed down
to its potted terminus,
leprechaun loot dissolving
into reality's bitter pill;
yet outside a smudged window
the four-leaf clovers wink
another year's vaulted promise.

11) Gotcha!  Had enough?  I'd say so.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Cool is uncool

...or was it the other way around?  Timey wimey stuff, can't keep it straight in my head.

But in any case, what's that got to do with the price of sliced bread in 2014?  Not a whole lot, but it's got everything to do with my blog and why it and more popular blogs like it exist.  It is, in a way, a declaration of purpose, and it goes like this.

When I was an awkward pre-teen, more awkward than most believe me, I wore giant plastic librarian glasses that constantly slid down my nose, was good at science, and secretly loved science fiction and fantasy.   In other words, I was the absolute epitome of uncool.  But this isn't the story of the ugly duckling that became a swan: it's how the ugly duckling became the new swan.

It started with a scar.  "Who's Harry Potter?" I asked my cooler friends at the lunch table as they plopped down with their arms full of thick colorful hardback books.  All through middle school, I'd been the kid everybody bugged because of the thick hardcover book always in my possession.  All though high school, I'd struggled with contacts until my eyes wanted to tear themselves out of their sockets.  Now, through the medium of reading no less, Harry's iconic bespectacled face made it not only okay to wear glasses, but...wait, did that kid just cry about passing his eye exam?

And then there was the knitting.  Knitting???  My sister and I picked up knitting one summer out of boredom.  Possibly also out of solidarity for our college roommates.  There was something cozy and Anne-of-Green-Gables-esque about sitting around the "fireplace" with our various projects and gabbing about our invisible gentleman callers.  So imagine our surprise when hand-knit scarves would become all the rage, knitting websites and yarn shops popped up out of the woodwork, and the rest, as we say, is history.  Even better: my fellow knitters had a geek streak.  I'm sure there's some sort of social psychology explanation for this, but you'll have to ask my sister if you want it.

It's been the same in other areas too.  Since high school, I've seen the rise of the smart-is-sexy paradigm.  Where can we trace that, exactly?  I secretly watched Bill Nye the Science Guy during my summer vacations in middle school, yes, but that was hardly the norm.  Presidential selfies with astrophysicists would never have become an internet phenomenon.  Should we thank the internationalization of broadcast media?  The archetypal/universal appeal of the Whedonverse?  David Tennant's decidedly sexy smart Doctor Who?  Or the BBC's Sherlock, whose "brainy is the new sexy" practically became a battle cry?

My uncoolness, as it turns out, occupies similar space-time coordinates as the Eleventh Doctor's bow-ties, or the Drunk Giraffe.  And because the ugly duckling is the new swan, a geeky amateur knitter/baker can start a blog named after a sci-fi program and not be the only alien on the planet to do so.  That, my friends, is the coolest part of being cool.  Or...oh, never mind.

Monday, March 10, 2014

More sneak peaks [explicit]

"I'm knitting a Dalek."
"...why?"
"Does there have to be a reason?"

Actually, there probably is, and the best explanation is this: no matter how beautiful or intricate or lace-shawly a pattern gets, at some point I reach my fill of "normal."  This, then, is the end result.

Relax, it won't creep up (roll up?) and exterminate you when you're least expecting it, though the baby wearing it just possibly might.  The pattern is my own, which is why it's been under wraps up until now, and it's going to need a lot of edits before it sees the light of day.  Also, I don't do a lot of colorwork, so when a more experienced color-knitter gets a hold of said pattern, s/he might have a good laugh and scrap it.  Floats are the devil.  Or at least the devil's plaything.  I could've hanged myself in floats...not that anyone would want to do that.

As of now, the hat is complete and the shoulders seamed.  The front closure will be snaps, most likely, assuming I can get snaps fitted into the floats.  You may note the lack of sleeves.  That's 'cause I agonized over them for the ??? weeks this baby was on the needles.  More bobbles?  Plunger and beater?  In yet another 2 different colors?  Finally settled on fuck you garter stitch.  Because I am lazy.  The sleeves as they currently stand are lovingly ripped off from the Haiku cardigan pattern on Knitty, because mathematical guidelines rock.

Now, the hat I'm actually a bit more comfortable about with regards to sizing. Lacking in actual babies to subject it to, I rather unceremoniously stretched it over an approximation-sized stuffed animal.  Bunny is my baby surrogate and actually made a convincingly scary Dalek.  Well, bit of a Dalek.  We all know the cardigan's going on her for the full effect once it's done.  I'd have used Raiden, but...that could only end in tears.  In every sense of the word.

So here we have it: the almost finished, not at all blocked product of my winter hols.  Which were not winter hols at all, if you know anything about me and my work/call schedule of doom.  The sleeves will be coming along shortly, though rather tediously, and then we shall see what we shall see.  My prediction is that this confection will fit an average sized baby somewhere under a year old.  Which might be a good thing: any older and the kid might, you know, actually kill you for stuffing it into such preposterous(ly cool) outerwear.  Hell, it's never too early for cosplay.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Unfinished business (the novel version)

I need a writing vacation.  Or perhaps a writing job.  In the meantime, with a little over 3 weeks until Match Day and a schedule that's more fluid and unpredictable than a broken thermometer, a brief mental health break will do.  Half an hour obviously isn't enough for a full story, but at least it'll let me post the prologue to my Elementalist "trilogy."  Yes, there was supposed to be a trilogy.  We shall see if I ever complete even the first book.  Back to the knitting and sewing after Lent, perhaps?  Not giving them up, mind, just trying to make the best of limited resources.

Prologue

Once in a far-off kingdom, two princesses were born. The fairy tale books would insist that one was fair as sunlight, the other dark of hair and skin like a moonless night. Not so: they both looked like ordinary babies, and extremely alike ones at that, as twins are wont to look, and no amount of hyperbole could do justice to the fact that they were both small, pink, screaming things with a few fine tufts of hair on their heads of an indeterminate blackish color.
Their mother did not die in childbirth, though during the act she probably rather wished she could. Their father was, surprisingly, present, having taken a crash course in midwifery prior to the event, just in case, and to the midwife's surprise was actually quite useful, a lucky thing as she was not one to shower false praise even on her sovereign.
The room in which they were born was modest by fairy tale standards as well, furnished with a large convertible bed, several trays bearing various roots, powders, and basins of water at different temperatures, a few mirrors which could be turned or removed at a moment's notice depending on the laboring queen's taste, and very little else. In attendance were two or three maids, a somber man in black robes and a tall hat who bore about him the official air of a minister or magician, and that man's sixteen-year-old niece. It was obvious the two were related based on a certain set of the mouth that both unconsciously adopted, and equally obvious she was not his daughter based on the fact that the minister wasn't old—mid-thirties if that—and fairly radiated honest temperance. Also, his new wife having borne him a son only two lunar months ago, he still wore the faintly incredulous glow of a man having beheld his first child.
In any case, the babies were born, the second taking an interminable amount of time after the first as she insisted on emerging feet-first, deemed healthy, the cords were cut, the afterbirth delivered, and both shrieking princesses were put to breast where they suckled hungrily, one to a side. The kingdom breathed a sigh of relief, the news-criers sought out gossip in other quarters, and everybody turned back to what he or she had been doing before.
It should have been business as usual. Once both children survived the complexities of birth and infancy, the elder girl, being the heir, would be trained in the dual arts of diplomacy and warfare, as well as any other skills she or her father deemed useful in the running of a kingdom. If she was of a beautiful and soft nature she might perhaps marry, advantageously of course, to a man of wealth or power. If not, well, she would take the reigns of sovereignty upon herself regardless. The younger girl would receive an abbreviated course in these things, just in case, but she was to prepare for other pursuits. Traditionally she could be taught magic and lore to prepare her for a life in the Ministry, if she showed the proper talents, or she could learn domestic economy and etiquette if she seemed marriageable to one of the noblemen who needed a reward or bribe to cement his loyalty. There were other options, of course: minstrelsy might be considered, or weaponry, though craftsmanship might be frowned upon for someone of her station. Still, there would be time to sort out all that as the children grew and developed personalities beyond mere speculation.
Except, unfortunately, for the prophecy.
“Are you certain, Uncle? I mean, you've always been wary of prophecies before.” The Minister's niece sounded petulant, not least from the prospect of never seeing the jewelsmith's boy again if she followed through with her appointed task.
“As I am of this one,” he replied, “but there are others who are not, and who are placed conveniently near enough to the royals to act if we hesitate. Lord Sinder and Sir Albrecht have proposed solutions that would make your hair stand on end, and they're building up quite a following within the Ministry. If we want Abriona to grow up to rule the kingdom, it is we who must be the schemers and not those bloodthirsty old-regime noblemen who claim to represent peace. They'd like nothing better than to return to their fiefdoms and do as they please to their lands and subjects.”
“But 'The sisters shall divide up the kingdom and bloodshed will again reign'? Surely no actual prophecy reads like that. They're all those cryptic sayings like 'The wise man shall gather grain and sow when the ground is fertile.' Sinder and Albrecht couldn't get enough people to believe their drivel before the others declare them traitors and drive them out with tar and pitchforks.”
“You're forgetting a few pages from your lessons, my dear: 'And the lion shall unite them, and there shall follow one hundred years of peace. At the end of that time shall rise the wolf moon. The tides shall dance and the air shall taste of tears. The corn shall be plentiful yet taste bitter.'”
“So the tsunami victims in Tsoria complained about our food. I think it's more our mass-production techniques, personally. All those preservatives to make the bread last longer, it's bound to taste different.”
“And tell me, my young alchemist, which of the compounds has been shown to produce that particular bitterness.”
The girl glared.
“Yes, I know you've been working on our grain production for two years now. Don't take it so personally.” Her uncle sat down beside her at the workbench and quietly took the blade of barley from her hand. “I'm merely pointing out that people believe what they see—and smell and hear and taste, come to that. They've heard the wolves howling, and it frightens them. Who knows how they'll act, or who they'll turn to?”
“And so you want me to keep Princess Aurora safe by keeping her far away from her sister in that...place?”
“What are you so afraid of, that they don't use magic or that they call it science? You've studied the various planes all your life, my dear. I've no doubt you'll find a way to fit in.”
His niece thought about the jeweler's son, about his strong, sure-fingered hands and lean but well-muscled body, and began to sob.
“I've told him, you know,” said the Minister. “He said he would wait for you to the ends of the earth. Whatever that means. I hate mixed metaphors.”
She gave a tearful laugh and nodded. “Might as well get on with it then. Let's go over the plan again.”
So it was that the girl was seen walking up and down the nursery hallway at midnight on a full moon. The bundle in her arms cooed contentedly and drooled onto her work shirt. She conjured a bottle from the depths of her cloak and fed the infant with a surprisingly competent tenderness.
A door creaked open and a figure emerged, hair tousled and body wrapped in a flannel robe. It paused at the sight of her. “Sophie Brandon?” it asked.
“Yes, Your Majesty,” she murmured. “I was borrowing the royal laboratory tonight and came downstairs to see if I could find a snack in the kitchens.”
“And found the nursery?”
“This one was crying, Majesty, and the wet-nurse was fast asleep. I didn't mean to wake anyone.”
The king squinted. “And which one is that? Bloody hard to tell when they're so young and look exactly alike.”
“Aurora, sir. She's got a small dimple on her right cheek; Abriona doesn't.”
“Oh, that helps.” He ran a finger along the infant's cheek, and she smiled at him.
“If you don't mind my asking, Your Majesty, what are you doing up and about at this hour?”
He looked sheepish. “Me? Oh, I'm a horrible insomniac. Every time I drift off, all I can dream about is the job, and trust me, just because it's inherited doesn't mean it's not work. It's nerve-wracking running a kingdom: I go through most days praying to various deities not to let me screw anything up too badly. Not that your uncle has it any better, I'm sure, being elected to his post. Now, tell anyone about this conversation and I shall have to have you executed, which would cost me no small amount of grief and paperwork.”
“Understood, sir.”
There came a sound of breaking glass, and the two looked at each other in horror. “The nursery!”
The king had thrown the door open and himself inside before Sophie had managed more than two or three steps. Inside, the nurse was cowering in terror, a howling baby Abriona clutched to her breast. Two masked men already lay bleeding on the carpeted floor as the king carefully speared his sword through a third. “Sophie,” he cried as he parried a blow from a fourth, “take the child and run! Get yourselves as far from here as you can!”
She didn't think twice, merely let her feet direct her as she bolted, Aurora screaming pitifully into her cloak. There were more men in the hallway, swords drawn and menacing. She aimed a Thought laden with a desperate, hateful fury at the first one and he toppled, clutching his chest, into the man behind him. She spun on her heel and ran the opposite way.
There was a turn, and then another, the hallmark winding passages of a castle built for defense. More men, but her uncle had trained her well in the practical defensive magics. She left one group gaping behind an invisible barrier, another two men behind a curtain of flame, and, well, she didn't want to consider what thoughts were now going through the minds of the men who had just collapsed clutching their heads behind her, emitting bloodcurdling screams. The palace guards had gotten in on the action by now, and it looked to be a several-hour melee in the works. Fine with her, so long as it allowed her to make it to the bridge where here uncle would be waiting.
Still, the coldness of the night was a bit of a nuisance. Midwinter though it might be, she could not recall there ever having been such a chill. Her knees shook under the extra layers of stockings and trousers, and her breath spurted out in frosty plumes. The air was almost solid, impeding her all-our sprint into a clumsy jog. A thousand steps between the palace and the bridge, and the smaller the remaining distance, the harder it became to move.
Until she came to a complete stop. “I believe you've gone quite far enough, my dear,” a voice said behind her, and the marrow froze in her bones.
“That's right,” said Lord Sinder with a sort of deliberate patience. “We'll stop right here, and you'll give the child to me.”
Her teeth chattered, and it was all she could do to keep her grip on the baby, who seemed to sense the situation and stared silently at her next would-be abductor. Sophie felt as if the bones of her jaw were being squeezed to powder as she brought out the word: “No.”
Lord Sinder laughed mirthlessly. “Have it your way, then. A little extra blood to sweeten my sacrifice.” His long fingers raked the air in front of him and the twisted blade began to form. Sophie curled herself around Aurora's small body, still surprisingly warm in the unnatural cold. She closed her eyes against the inevitable.
A sound of shattering metal and something else—a shriek from high up in the unnatural registers?--rent the air above her. She heard Lord Sinder curse and stared numbly at the small, perfectly cut stone at her feet. Only one family shaped a diamond like that.
She looked up in time to see him glare with defiance at the hooded aristocrat, a second diamond ready in his hand. And then the jewel slipped from his fingers and he seemed to give her a resigned half-smile as he slumped against the lamppost. Lord Sinder's hand had barely left his dagger sheath. The dagger itself was buried to the hilt in the boy's chest. In the iciness of the night, there was very little blood.
Rage warmed her limbs and allowed her to move. She held the child in one arm and raised the other hand to gesture in the air in front of her. The howl that tore from her throat held no words, but the Intent was unmistakeable. If he'd had more of a heart, it might have been torn, dripping and still beating, from his body. Instead, he stiffened, more with shock than with pain, and for the brief moment their eyes met she had the upper hand. Then he sent her a blow that knocked her backwards into the street. Dazed, blinded, unable to focus her thoughts, she somehow managed to keep her arms tight around the baby.
And then her uncle was there, pulling her along in a whirl of cloak and warm air. Somewhere above her head they battled, but she was too tired to pay attention even to a clash of swords, much less one of wills.
They were on the bridge then, and he muttered the words that would send her away. She welcomed it now. Aurora made a startled sound as the shift began, an unsettling series of what might be described as pressure gradients if by pressure one meant time, space, and existence. It was over almost as soon as it began—before it began?
Unbeknownst to Princess Aurora, she was about to begin her life as she would come to know it, far away from all the fuss of magic and prophecy. As to what became of the Princess Abriona and the realm she was to inherit, we can only speculate. If we believe in fairy tales, then her father successfully held off the onslaught of Sir Albrecht's men, held the kingdom together despite his insecurities, and happily left his lands to his daughter when he died. If not, then, well, what's the point of our fairy tale? Let us pretend, then, that Queen Abriona now reigns in Astyria. And her sister: did they leave her a doorway back, or, fearing the prophecy, have they barred it forever?

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Unfinished business (the short story version)

Apparently my drafting brain cells are still on winter hols.  When that happens, I'm stuck with the baking experiments and the random one-liners in search of writing projects until Raiden nudges in and interrupts my train of thought or action.  Which is much easier than it should be.  In part because she's beautiful but evil.  Like Potiphar's wife.  Yes, that was an Andrew Lloyd Webber reference, which I just used to describe my cat.  How appropriate.

But today, to spare everybody the sad dinner-for-one-esque photos of my attempt at Victorian tea sandwiches (they taste much better than they look, honest), I have a proposition for you.  I've been rooting around in my virtual attic aka my safely retrieved story files which have now been backed up onto two separate drives with uncharacteristic anality.  What I discovered were a few surprisingly entertaining bits of short and/or incomplete fiction.  A bit pulpy at times, yes, and under the influence of a few too many of my sci-fi/fantasy/literary heroes, definitely.  Well, what do you expect from a folder that contains bits of literary sci-fi, semi-autobiography, sort-of-detective story, grown up Harry Potter, and very possibly a Doctor Who Christmas episode?  But I figured some of this might actually be enjoyed by an audience of more than one.  "Kat's Internet Cafe," more a fragment than a complete short story, seems (on the surface, at least) to fit into that category.  So in my knit-shit's stead, have a gander at Kat.

Kat's Internet Cafe (working title)

Reality is overrated. Kat Say, of Kat Says Cafe and Hub, makes herself a latte, retreats to her “office” in an overlooked corner of counter, and kicks her feet up, banishing the uncharacteristic moment of philosophy with slightly more oomph than she intended. Some coffee laps over the side and onto the leg of her jeans. She cuts short an almost silent oath and shrugs. She doesn't mind the one or two seconds of scald, but the stains get annoying. Anything shortening the procrastination period between laundry days could be considered a nuisance at best.

Not that anyone around her has noticed, especially her customers. Still plugged into their bluetooths (blueteeth?) and clattering away. Well, clattering is the sound she mentally inserts for them. While they voluntarily imprison themselves in their packets of hyperstimulation, in the real world she could use the background noise. It's only 10AM. Far too early to plug in yet. She sighs into her foam and scans the room for interesting characters.

What is it that she expects to find? She's long since stopped asking because her brain, she hopes she's learned by now, is something of an asshole. A bored one and, she suspects, quickly becoming a dormant one. No funny twinges as she settles tired eyeballs on a couple of suits by the window, a university student or two in their logo hoodies and gym shorts, the guy who's clearly trying to hide his unemployment behind a brisk manner and a screen full of porn. Yes, she allows porn. Within reason, of course. From his wire and silicon cubicle out back, Jimmy is scanning the channels for the hardcore stuff: kiddie porn, sex trafficking, the big no-nos that'll get you a cushy stay in a maximum-security prison and your name on a blacklist available to anybody and everybody via the wonders of the Internet. You go into Kat Says knowing this, and you accept it. Otherwise, the authorities owe her a couple favors and will haul your ass and any and all computerized equipment you own out of there faster than you can say “public humiliation.”

Her gaze stops for a moment at a table in the far corner, but it takes fractions of a second longer than it should for her to realize why. Damn, she is getting slow. Effects of old age and success. Hell, she's thirty and owns a coffee shop, is that all it takes? The man at the table is reading.

Oh, she'll give herself credit: from that distance it's hard to care enough to look that closely. Short haircut but not quite buzzed, requisite bluetooth plugged in an ear, plain collared shirt, and open laptop with an unremarkable amount of text and pixels streaming along the screen. But there, in his lap, if you look at just the right angle, is the book. Paperback with a disintegrating cover. He has it open and is turning pages. Amid the electronic hum, the sound carries like a gunshot.

By now she's gotten out of the habit of approaching her customers in person. They seem to like it that way. All of their transactions are carried out online. The barista makes the drinks and carves out pieces of Kat's homebaked pastries, and a signal goes out to the waiting customer when the order's up. If said customer happens to be too lazy or absorbed to bother getting up and retrieving his or her goods, she sends them a personal greeting. There are several flavors of personal greeting from Kat Say, ranging from sweet and chirpy to “my mother.” She's pretty good at guessing which one gets the job done. But without provocation...

In the end she decides to forgo the spine. She sighs, retrieves the laptop from her bag where she's secreted it under the counter, and logs in. Table 14. Signed in under guest credentials, medium slow-roast, black, with a cake donut. Homepage open to the news, nothing overly sentimental, just some economic agreements among allied countries over natural resources. Stereotypical cop fare, she thinks. Cute. She doesn't need their help. People just don't make trouble here, if for no other reason than it isn't worth it.

And then it happens. Her screen blinks, flickers, and cuts out, replaced by something she hasn't seen in a very long time. Blue screen, white letters. Vestigial Pavlovian response rubbed into her unconscious by the one and only computer programming class she ever presumed to sign up for. Blue screen of death. She splutters coffee back into the cup and after a couple of deep breaths remembers to push the speaker button to Jimmy's “office.”

“Problem, Kat?” he asks, surprised and oddly amused.

“I...yeah. Hang on, what?” This last is directed at the computer screen, which has miraculously and without any intervention returned to normal. Same browser window with Table 14's transaction details and everything. “You know what? Never mind.”

“Okay,” he says slowly. “Lemme know if you need anything.”

“Sure thing,” she says, hanging up.

“Didn't your parents teach you it was rude to spy on people?”

Kat's been working around hot liquids long enough to catch her arm before it careens into the coffee cup. Also she had the foresight to spill-proof her keyboard after the first few times. She looks up with possibly more composure than she actually feels. “Who's asking?”

Funny, he doesn't look like a cop. Or a reader. Tall, more wiry than muscular, a little stoop-shouldered and behind in the suntan department, highish forehead, light eyes that appear gray for the moment but might edge toward blue or green in the outside world. His appearance and the little joke he just played on her scream tech mage. But there it is, held out to her in a long-fingered hand. She doesn't know what she expected: Orwell, maybe, or Huxley, or some hotly debated member of the sci-fi and fantasy canon. Possibly the Communist Manifesto, or Machiavelli. Or Shakespeare, damn the old fart. “Tennyson?” she snorts, a little incredulous.

“You could've just asked,” he says, unruffled.

“And walk through that?” she asks, motioning at the room full of wire-heads, as she secretly calls them. “What if I disrupt a connection?”

“You won't. I checked.”

“Before or after you pulled that stunt on my computer?”

He shrugs. “I don't like hackers.”

“I'm not a hacker,” she bristles. How dare he? What she's doing is legitimate, sanctioned by the law in the great state of which she is a resident. “I don't like cops. Especially cybercops.”

Instead of protesting or getting offended or slapping on the handcuffs, he laughs. Actually laughs. It's a strangely disruptive sound in this place of mechanical by-noise. He laughs like someone used to restraint letting the dam burst open. “Who told you I was a cybercop?” he asks, still smiling almost involuntarily.

“Well, no one. I just thought—”

“Kat Says,” he mutters, and she can almost hear him rolling the syllables around in his head, enjoying the linguistic jokes that went into her naming the cafe, the deliberate omission of the apostrophe which few people in cyberspace actually miss. Or notice. Her next venture, she thinks, will involve an Oxford comma.

He leaves it at that.

“Hey, you forgot your book!” she calls, waving it at his retreating back. A few patrons look up, annoyed in that abstracted, head-still-in-the-webs way they have. She ducks back into her corner to avoid the flurry of angry online chatter. “Besides, I've read it already,” she mutters. “Why don't you know that? If you don't know it?”

The book is marked at “Ulysses” by a rectangle of card stock. For a few seconds she glances at the familiar words and relishes the spirit of the thing. As if. Then she picks up the business card and looks it over. It contains a single line of unassuming serif type: “David McArthur, Librarian.”